Marie Claire The Parcel – Spring Edit 2016

Sad trombone noises.

Look, with the Marie Claire subscription box, one thing you will rarely feel is ripped off. Every item feels substantial, and the sizes are great, and there’s a really good variation in items. It’s probably the best box for getting excited as you open it up and go through it. It’s a sad fact of certain boxes that they just won’t click for you, and this box did not click for me. At all. Let’s go through it, complete with bad maths!


St Tropez Self Tan Classic Bronzing Mousse and Applicator Mitt (Mitt is $11.99; Full size bronzing mousse is $59.99 for 240mL and this is 50mL so worth, what, $12.50?) – I don’t self tan. If I were to start self tanning, this is probably not the best beginner product. I’m sure my sister will appreciate this.

Nuxe Huile Prodigieuse Multi Purpose Dry Oil for Face, Body and Hair¬† (The full size is 50mL for $26.99; this is 10mL so about $5.40) – Again, I don’t really use dry oils. This is a well loved product, though, and I love the camellia/jasmine smell, but I would definitely not want to put this on my face. I might use this on my legs in summer, because at least it is a nice oil and it is dry? This might get used up. That’s something.

C-Lab & Co Coffee & Coconut Scrub (100g travel pack; RRP $9.95) – I love body scrubs, but I’m a bad Australian who hates coffee.¬† Thankfully the coconut is pretty heavy in this, but it’s still a pretty hefty coffee smell. If I can’t handle this, my sister – the Frank body enthusiast – will get it.

Essano Argan Oil of Morocco Duo-Pack (50mL x 2; RRP $15.99) – I appreciate it when it’s not just a lone shampoo or conditioner, and this is sulfate free as well. I usually use these up in hospital, or to start a holiday before I give up and buy full sizes.

Mor Mon Amie Adele Luminous Body Milk (80mL; RRP $16.95) – Nowhere on the bottle or in the description does it say HOW FUCKING GLITTERY this lotion is. At first, I was like “Great, another Mor product” and then “this smells ok, so I guess I could use it even though I totally won’t use it” but now I have glitter fucking everywhere.

Narciso Rodriguez For Her Eau De Toilette (50mL is $125; this is 4mL so supposedly like $10) – Not only is this fragrance, despite its fancy box, just a big fuckin vial – guys, give me a damn rollerball or a spray if you’re going to stick it in a box – it’s also not a nice fragrance. Okay, that’s entirely subjective, but to me it just smells like every other fragrance by a designer in that it’s kind of boring and generic and floral and musky. I put it on and I’m getting a bit of a headache.

Sunsense Sensitive Invisible SPF 50+ (Full size is 75g for $10.95; this is 10g so under $1.50) – This is entirely boring, but I will use it because I am boring and like protecting my skin from the sun. I do wish this was resealable? Even though it’s a body sunscreen and it’s not going to do a full body. Just for travel.

Nude By Nature Natural Mineral Cover (15g for $39.95; this is 2g so about $5? Around there?) – Foundation (even powder foundation) is really risky, because of the whole “shade” thing , but I’ll happily try this out because it’ll last me forever as loose powders tend to do. I don’t know. This is boring, but it’s something I’ll probably try out. I like base adjacent stuff.

Maybelline The Nudes Palette ($25.95) – I appreciate getting a full size palette, but it appears all the stuff you’ve heard about this palette is true. It’s not the WORST PALETTE EVER OMG but it’s pretty muddy and unpigmented and would require a lot of work to get something pretty out of. It might be a nice palette for beginners, but when you’ve got something like a Naked palette or the Zoeva Cocoa Blend/Naturally Yours palette, you just don’t need this.

The Body Shop Himalayan Charcoal Face Mask – This is a sample I’d enjoy if a) it suited my skin type – give me the ginseng and rice or the acai or the rose or the honey masks any day and b) if I didn’t work at The Body Shop. I acknowledge that this is far and away the best seller of the mask collection, so I’ll give this sample to someone who’ll appreciate it more, but it’s also a mask we are perpetually sold out of and I want people to stop falling in love with it.

There are also two not-entirely-pointless discount cards – 40% off your next Nude By Nature website purchase (will not use; for reference, it is THEPARCEL) and 25% off all skincare at The Body Shop when you buy one of the face masks (a one use voucher; obviously this is not useable for employees but I will definitely pass this on to someone else because it’s a pretty sweet deal).

So. Marie Claire. A lot of “I don’t use this kind of product”. I guess they can’t all be wins. Will definitely be giving goes to the Nude by Nature powder, Essano shampoo and conditioner and the sunscreen because I’m boring, but the only one I’m actually keen to try is the powder. I will also attempt to make the scrub and the dry oil work, and would do the same with the mask if I didn’t already know it sucked on my skin.

Womp Womp. Here’s hoping the summer edit kills it.