September Bellabox 2016: Unboxing/Review

Today’s warm up for doing my assignments was going to be a wrap up review post on my most recent lipstick purchases (Mac, Urban Decay, Pretty Zombie Cosmetics), but both of my monthly subscription boxes arrived yesterday so in order for me to hashtag stay relevant, you’re stuck with this trash.

And when I say “stuck with this trash”, I’m talking trash. Bellabox, guys, what is going on? It’s more of a letdown after my disappointment with the usually phenomenal Marie Claire parcel, and I’ll give you a bit of a spoiler in saying that this month’s Lust Have It was…not stellar. September’s been a bad month for my life and also for subscription boxes, it seems.

I usually try to focus on the positive (NOTE: whether you interpret this as sarcasm or not depends on what extent of my writing you have read), but with the way September has metaphorically taken to repeatedly slapping me in the face, there may be some traces of what the kids are calling “saltiness”.

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Hey, Bellabox! Don’t get me all excited with a theme like “Kiss Me” if you’re going to include one measly lip product. That’s unfair to people like me who like their lip products and kissing abundant. More kissing, more lipstick. It’s practically my life motto.

“Jelly Lipstick” (“RRP $14.95”) – I cannot refer to any of that without direct quotations, but feel free to also imagine me doing over-emphatic air quotes. Where is this lipstick from? What is the brand? If it’s a no-brand dollar store lip balm (it is), that’s fine, but then don’t try to tell me it’s $14.95. Lipstick Queen can charge my mother $30 for that Frog Prince lipstick but I’ll be damned if I’m paying more than $2 for something that does nothing to my lips and has no value other than, I guess, looking slightly cool and transparent. It is referred to as “the internet’s latest sensation”, although I think it’s missing a tiny flower inside to actually be what they think it is. Also, the gaudy orange tube – and I have no problem with gaudy tubes, believe me, I bought one of the Mac Trolls lipsticks – is emblazoned with the phrase “Sexy Love”. Aside from being a weird Ne-Yo song from 2006, a fact that I embarrassingly did not have to google,  it’s probably not the phrase I want across my lipsticks. Sorry, “lipsticks”. This may be the most I have ever used quotation marks in a review.

Natural Instinct Eye Creme (25mL RRP $19.95) – This is an eye cream. It is fine, I’m sure. Will I one day regret not using eye cream in my twenties, despite working in a skin care retailer? Possibly. But right now, it’s an extra step I am entirely too lazy for despite spending nearly an hour on the rest of my routine. I don’t know. My eyes are fine. I won’t ding them for this, because it is a fine product, and my disillusion with eye creams stems from the disproportionate amount of time I have spent over the last seven years talking about eye creams.

Palmolive Oil Infusions Body Moisturiser (Free extra, 12mL) – Mine is “Citrus with Jojoba oil”. We have the handwash from this range in our bathroom and it’s fine, so I’m sure this – ahem – sachet will be fine. My main issue with this is nitpicky, but if you’re reading this review, you’re prepared for that. Palmolive want us to “join the conversation”, and hashtag #moisturisermoment and something else as well (I do not remember because I immediately threw the cardboard bit out in disgust). Palmolive. You make moisturiser. Are you offering me a prize? You don’t mention a prize. Unless you’re going to give me a prize, I have no motivation to tag a moisturiser company. Do you really want to facilitate a conversation about…moisturiser?

Cocofixation 100% Coconut Facial Wipes (a 25 pack is $12; this is a 5 pack so $2.40) – At the very least, I use face wipes. Coconut is a nice ingredient. Good things. Smiles. Deep breathing.

Avon Skin Goodness CC Cream SPF30+ (25g is $16.99, this is 5g so about $3.40) – I have said all I can say about not really caring for Avon products generally, but I am always happy to be wrong. I doubt this product will do that. There does not appear to be a colour range, and this is on the medium-tan end of the spectrum, but it does of course sheer out to boring nothing. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I like the size?

Sebamed Skincare Derma-Soft Wash Emulsion (200mL is $19.95; this is 20mL so it is under $2) – This is fine and I will use it when I am next in hospital or away for the weekend or crashing at someone’s house. I have only used sebamed  body products, and they were good for my patches of dermatitis. I am sure this will be fine?

And of course, there is a HelloFresh “voucher”, to which I loudly exclaimed “Go fuck yourself”, and threw in the bin.

Honestly, the box is objectively not the most terrible thing in the world, but there are items that make me so irrationally angry that it outweighs everything. That jelly lipstick fills me with seething rage. I will not swatch it for you, because it just looks like a lip balm.

Angry face/5. -300/5. I’m just not in the mood to give a rational rating.

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